today is not going well

So, I'm having what I call a baby monster attack. If I didn't take my ativan right when I felt it come on, it would have gotten much worse. I am battling inside of myself to stay quiet and not ask to go to the hospital. My boyfriend and my dad don't want to deal with me. So, if I ask my boyfriend will just say " You know what this is .This is a panic attack, you have to stop this. You have to control this. Get a grip on yourself." He tries his best to calm me down and I am forever grateful, but sometimes it just hurts me inside. My father will say " why are you scared? You're scared. Stop it! Stop being hysterical. This has been like this for years, stop it already! Do you want to kill me?" How do I explain that I can't control it...there is no grip to hold onto. I am trying my best to help myself and I feel like I'm drowning. Inside, I feel like I'm trapped. I want to shed my skin. I want to jump out of a window and run and get help. I want to be free again. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. The panic attack is over, but the after effects stay for a long time.

What a Panic Attack Feels Like For Me

  I always try to come up with a way to describe a panic attack to someone who has never had one. A panic attack is not just being afraid. It's not that feeling you get riding a rollercoaster, or watching a scary movie. It's that feeling when you are about to be murdered and are fighting for your life. It is a desperate feeling full of dread. Imagine you are drowning inside your own body or are about to burst into flames from the inside out. My panic attacks come out of nowhere. Here is a description of what I call a monster attack.

   Imagine you are sitting in your room, let's say you are watching tv. You start feeling uncomfortably warm. That feeling turns into a burning sensation in your upper arms, back, and neck. You become aware that something feels wrong in your body and you tune in. You are about to go down into the depths of fear. You are paying attention to your bodily signals...SOMETHING IS WRONG...SOMETHING IS HAPPENING!! Your heart pounds and feels like you are
running a marathon without going anywhere. You're dripping sweat. You jump up and find the nearest person and beg them to take you to a hospital. For sure this is the one, the big one that will kill you. No one believes you, you get frustrated. You get desperate. You beg " PLEASE TAKE ME SOMETHING IS WRONG!" Of course, the answer is no. They have been through this with you many times before.  Your legs are shaking uncontrollably. You are dripping with sweat so much your clothes are stuck onto your body. You feel like you can't breathe. You gasp and cough. You feel like running, getting out, running down the street screaming. You feel like hurting yourself, anything to get this to stop. You take your ativan. You can't listen to anyone trying to calm you down...it annoys you. You just want this to stop. You actually think " WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER? DYING MUST BE TEN TIMES BETTER THEN GOING THROUGH THIS!" You try to deep breathe, but you can't. Every breath is shallow and fast. You are feeling angry, scared, desperate, frightened, and full of terror. Your body is coursing with energy. You can feel it in every pore....energy that will consume you. You must stop it, you NEED to get medical help.You sit and cry, scared and hopeless. What can you do? You're stuck. Your medicine is kicking in finally, it's been more than 30 minutes. You start crying harder, the shame is kicking in. You realize how guilty you feel. You did it again...tonight was going to be a calm night! How could you?!  You cry and feel like a total loser. Why can't you handle this on your own? Everyone is angry with you. You feel like the boy who cried wolf, which makes you anxious for when it really is an emergency. Will anyone believe you then? Your pill is working stronger now, you feel calmer, depressed, cold, exhausted, it's an hour since it started. It is finally over. You are sorry and full of self-disgust, you are spent. The race is over until the next one. That could be at any time.............. let's start the cycle again.

The Question of a Lifetime...Why?

Why? Why? WHY? Ever since I started having panic attacks I ask myself this. Why does this happen to me? Let me take you on a little time warp back to when this all started...7 years ago when I was 20.

   My first panic attack happened in a movie theater exactly as the movie was getting good. My throat felt funny. Then, I started feeling like something was stuck in there. Sipping on my soda did nothing to dislodge that feeling. My brain automatically announced " WE MUST BE HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION TO THAT POPCORN WE JUST ATE!!!" I told my boyfriend at the time that I needed to go to the restroom. In the restroom things just spiraled, I felt convinced something was wrong and I needed to get help then and there. I ran back to my boyfriend and explained in probably, what I imagine, was surely a psychotic voice " I AM HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION AND WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE AND CALL AN AMBULANCE NOW NOW NOW!!!" So, out we went onto one of the busiest streets in the city and called. Once the ambulance came, everyone and their mother came to see what was happening. Getting on board, they figured it was just a panic attack. This was the first time I had ever heard those words in response to me. Off we went to the hospital, me counting to 100 over and over and the paramedics looking on. One EKG and an ativan later, the panic attack was confirmed. Thus, began my journey into what has been the most hellish rabbit hole I have ever been down.
                                             

  After that, my life was a wreck. I was having these things twice a day, every day. In public, at home, anywhere, anytime. I couldn't function in college, I missed a lot of classes. Having to explain to my professors that " I couldn't come to class because I was having a panic attack" was embarrassing. Not to mention the judgmental looks and scoffs. I was taking ativan numerous times a day. So much so that I built up a tolerance to it. I was unable to get a psychiatrist, so urgent care doctors and ER doctors kept bumping me up. I ended up on 5 mg. of ativan before a doctor suggested Wellbutrin. That medication was like a poison to me. I felt like I  was in a hot air balloon watching myself do tasks and acting normal. I puked every time I took it. Finally, I got to see a psychiatrist who gave me  20mg celexa....and lord have mercy it worked. I was diagnosed with panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder with obsessive thoughts. I was finally panic attack free though, that's all that mattered. This went on for a good couple of years with only minimal attacks every now and then. I had my life back.

  Then, one night my ex and I decided to try chocolate laced with hash oil. I had smoked pot before, so I figured this wouldn't be a biggie. WRONG! I took a double dose, ended up having a huge attack. Using pure adrenaline, I was able to move my 400lb ex out of my way to get to a phone. I called every emergency service available because I thought the chocolate was laced with something bad. The whole cavalry came out to see me, a mess of a girl, pouring sweat and talking a mile a minute. The ambulance refused to take me....embarrassing things were said and done by me in my high off my ass panicked state. After this finally stopped, 2 days later, mind you, I was left with numbness in my extremities and tongue. I thought for sure I broke my brain. The numbness lasted two weeks.

    I was good for another couple years until 2011 when my mom died. Then, in 2012, my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me right before my mother's tombstone unveiling. Needless to say, I was a discombobulated mess. After getting a new boyfriend, freaking out some more, I ended up on 30 mg. of celexa. I had a good year. I was positive, things were going well. I thought I could ride this out, until I broke my ankle this year. That was the catalyst for a whole new era of panic. Suddenly, the panic attacks changed in nature. I developed new symptoms, new phobias, and new anxieties. My psychiatrist upped me to 40mg of celexa. It seemed to work for a little while, but now I'm having panic attacks again nearly every day. These are what I call monster attacks. They are huge and have me wanting to run to a hospital, call 911, or even at times hurt myself to make the pain stop. This is where I am at on my journey. I am a fearful, crippled, pile of a girl. I miss the old me. I am on a non-stop course to try to regain my life. Join me.