What a Panic Attack Feels Like For Me

  I always try to come up with a way to describe a panic attack to someone who has never had one. A panic attack is not just being afraid. It's not that feeling you get riding a rollercoaster, or watching a scary movie. It's that feeling when you are about to be murdered and are fighting for your life. It is a desperate feeling full of dread. Imagine you are drowning inside your own body or are about to burst into flames from the inside out. My panic attacks come out of nowhere. Here is a description of what I call a monster attack.

   Imagine you are sitting in your room, let's say you are watching tv. You start feeling uncomfortably warm. That feeling turns into a burning sensation in your upper arms, back, and neck. You become aware that something feels wrong in your body and you tune in. You are about to go down into the depths of fear. You are paying attention to your bodily signals...SOMETHING IS WRONG...SOMETHING IS HAPPENING!! Your heart pounds and feels like you are
running a marathon without going anywhere. You're dripping sweat. You jump up and find the nearest person and beg them to take you to a hospital. For sure this is the one, the big one that will kill you. No one believes you, you get frustrated. You get desperate. You beg " PLEASE TAKE ME SOMETHING IS WRONG!" Of course, the answer is no. They have been through this with you many times before.  Your legs are shaking uncontrollably. You are dripping with sweat so much your clothes are stuck onto your body. You feel like you can't breathe. You gasp and cough. You feel like running, getting out, running down the street screaming. You feel like hurting yourself, anything to get this to stop. You take your ativan. You can't listen to anyone trying to calm you down...it annoys you. You just want this to stop. You actually think " WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER? DYING MUST BE TEN TIMES BETTER THEN GOING THROUGH THIS!" You try to deep breathe, but you can't. Every breath is shallow and fast. You are feeling angry, scared, desperate, frightened, and full of terror. Your body is coursing with energy. You can feel it in every pore....energy that will consume you. You must stop it, you NEED to get medical help.You sit and cry, scared and hopeless. What can you do? You're stuck. Your medicine is kicking in finally, it's been more than 30 minutes. You start crying harder, the shame is kicking in. You realize how guilty you feel. You did it again...tonight was going to be a calm night! How could you?!  You cry and feel like a total loser. Why can't you handle this on your own? Everyone is angry with you. You feel like the boy who cried wolf, which makes you anxious for when it really is an emergency. Will anyone believe you then? Your pill is working stronger now, you feel calmer, depressed, cold, exhausted, it's an hour since it started. It is finally over. You are sorry and full of self-disgust, you are spent. The race is over until the next one. That could be at any time.............. let's start the cycle again.