So, I'm having what I call a baby monster attack. If I didn't take my ativan right when I felt it come on, it would have gotten much worse. I am battling inside of myself to stay quiet and not ask to go to the hospital. My boyfriend and my dad don't want to deal with me. So, if I ask my boyfriend will just say " You know what this is .This is a panic attack, you have to stop this. You have to control this. Get a grip on yourself." He tries his best to calm me down and I am forever grateful, but sometimes it just hurts me inside. My father will say " why are you scared? You're scared. Stop it! Stop being hysterical. This has been like this for years, stop it already! Do you want to kill me?" How do I explain that I can't control it...there is no grip to hold onto. I am trying my best to help myself and I feel like I'm drowning. Inside, I feel like I'm trapped. I want to shed my skin. I want to jump out of a window and run and get help. I want to be free again. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. The panic attack is over, but the after effects stay for a long time.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
today is not going well
So, I'm having what I call a baby monster attack. If I didn't take my ativan right when I felt it come on, it would have gotten much worse. I am battling inside of myself to stay quiet and not ask to go to the hospital. My boyfriend and my dad don't want to deal with me. So, if I ask my boyfriend will just say " You know what this is .This is a panic attack, you have to stop this. You have to control this. Get a grip on yourself." He tries his best to calm me down and I am forever grateful, but sometimes it just hurts me inside. My father will say " why are you scared? You're scared. Stop it! Stop being hysterical. This has been like this for years, stop it already! Do you want to kill me?" How do I explain that I can't control it...there is no grip to hold onto. I am trying my best to help myself and I feel like I'm drowning. Inside, I feel like I'm trapped. I want to shed my skin. I want to jump out of a window and run and get help. I want to be free again. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. The panic attack is over, but the after effects stay for a long time.
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