never give up, never surrender

 I will stay here, I will keep going, I will work on myself everyday, I will feel the fear and let it pass, I will surrender, I will get help, I will learn to relax, I will accept the panic sensations, I will be strong, I will be powerful, I will learn, I will grow, I will fight, I will love, I will live.

Hard

Lately, my panic attacks have come back in full force with new symptoms that scare me. I literally fear for my life more than ever. Yesterday, I felt as if I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I really thought about voluntarily checking myself in for a mental respite. I am losing my strength to battle against the panic. It takes over and I forget my techniques, I forget my goals, I forget everything. I just feel consumed, enmeshed, covered in it. I do not understand it. When I finally feel secure that I can beat it...........it comes back 10 times as hard with terrible new symptoms. I feel like I am Sisyphus, rolling my boulder up the hill forever. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sisyphus)  I am just going to have to keep trying. Keep going. I must never give up.

Letter to an Enemy

Dear Panic Attack,

Thank you for making yourself known in the worst possible way. You went away for 4 days, came back and we were cool, I was able to control you.
BUT TODAY.......

Today you made me go off the deep end and question my sanity. You made me breathe so hard and so fast, I couldn't talk. You made me hysterical to the point of babbling incoherently. You made me fall on the floor in desperation. You made me beg to take my own life and ask for help to do so. You made me want to run to the hospital because I thought I was having a pulmonary embolism. You made me forget all the techniques I was learning. You made me into a blubbering idiot. I fought with my dad and my boyfriend. I almost ruined my relationship because of you, and it is still rocky. You made me think I was having a nervous breakdown and beg to be put on a 3 day psychiatric hold. You made me feel like I lost my grip on life, that I was really dying this time. You made me feel desperate, impotent, wild, savage, and terrified.You take away me, what is essential to me, and turn me into someone else. Someone I do not know. I turn into a monster myself, I am possessed by you. You take control over me and I am powerless against you when you are this bad. Even your enemy Ativan, was no match for today. You are destroying me and everything I hold most dear.

During you I get called selfish because I cannot listen to reason. I am told I do not trust enough to listen. How can I listen when you envelope me in horror?  I become your slave. I get told I am not trying hard enough to fight. How can I fight against you when you become so powerful? I am a mite compared to your massive potential. During you I crave release. I want to go far far away into a place, a void, where you cannot find me. I'm sure you get pleasure making me think of death. I have always been scared of dying, but during you I want to die. I scream for the powers that be to take me and just give me the heart attack I think I am having. People do not understand me when I am having you. I do not understand myself. I morph into a different creature. You ruin all my ways to communicate except only that I need help, I can not talk calmly. I only plead and beg and scream. Because of you, I have had fights, been called terrible names, been hit, been threatened. I think this pleases you and feeds you. You grow bigger and bigger and swallow me whole. I have lost myself. I am no longer what I was 7 years ago, you made sure of that. You have taken over my life, my love, my mind, my heart.

Please, please, I beg of you..go away. Give me peace. Leave for a while, even if it is just a day. Come back if you must, but be weaker. Leave me with something to hold onto. I cannot last with your full strength. It is a battle I cannot win, even though I try. Please let me win once? Let me feel victory. Let me live again. I plead with you to give me a little break. My mind and body can only take so much.

The Dam Broke

Today was the end of my 4 day long affair with panic free days. I had a panic attack while I was taking a shower. It felt like I couldn't breathe. I just kept going, but it became too much. I had to take an Ativan. I calmed down and I headed on over to the doctor's appointment that I had already scheduled.

Even though I told myself that I wouldn't feel guilty, I do. I just want a break so desperately. I hate my panic attacks and all I dream for is to be free of them for at least a little while. At least it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. So, there is one good thing that came out of it.

practice practice practice

I just had a wave of panic pass over me, not a full on panic attack yet...but the beginnings of one. So, I am about to attempt to try to calm myself with a new technique. This will be an entry over the course of the feelings, so the exercise will repeat itself as things progress.

Situation: I think I am about to have a panic attack.

Feeling: 7
(0 –10)0 = no emotion 10 = most intense emotion

Anxious Thoughts: I am probably going to have a huge panic attack. It is going to be bad. I am scared of the feelings and feeling them.

Realistic Thoughts: I might have a panic attack, it's okay. If it is a big one, I will take my ativan and practice some calm breathing. I will be okay, I have done this many times before.

Feeling after Realistic Thinking: 5
(0-10)

Right now, I am in a thinking trap. I am catastrophizing, over-estimating danger, and fortune telling. I do not know the future. 

Anxious Thoughts: I haven't taken an ativan yet, this could get really bad. I am having chest pain, this might be real this time. If I need help, no one will listen to me or believe me. I have done this too many times.

Realistic Thoughts: I can take an ativan at any time, if I feel it is starting for real. Right now, it is just waves and I can deal with them for now. I had my heart checked recently and it was good. I am going to the doctor later for my asthma, if it still hurts then, I can bring it up. If at any time, I feel out of control or wanting to go to the hospital, I will try some deep breathing first and take my medication. These feelings are most likely related to anxiety. I have had these feelings before, if anything new happens I can let someone know. 

Compassion, Kindness, and Self Love

I firmly believe in the rule that we all should treat others the way we want to be treated. I often feel like I don't treat myself that well. I feel guilty a lot about things I can't control, especially if it comes to my panic attacks or anxiety. This guilt weighs me down, and trust me I already have a lot of  baggage. Am I really being compassionate towards myself? I know I wouldn't tell someone in one of my groups that they should feel guilt or shame about their panic attacks. Why is it okay for me to tell myself that? As I have become more and more involved in my groups on Facebook, I see how negative self talk can really be damaging toward a person. I have to change this about myself. I need to learn to love myself more and accept my shortcomings. If I can accept them in others and look past them, I need to be able to practice what I preach toward my own self.

 My panic attacks have improved over the past couple days and I am not sure why or exactly how. I have gone 3 days without any attack, I have had anxiety though. Not that I am complaining. In the back of my mind, there is the fear that they are going to come back with a vengeance and be a huge attack that will be devastating. That I will feel immense remorse for not having a better grip on myself. If I have one, I will chastise myself for not going longer without one. I know these thoughts are what feeds my beast. I never feel as low as when I have an attack and can't calm down or when I have to take an Ativan. I want to be able to say " You know what, you need to accept that it's okay that you can't always hold back the tide, you are okay. I still love you" to myself. I want to be able to treat myself with the same kindness I so easily give to others. I want that inner peace that others have, and that eludes me. I have to break free.

I have been learning many new techniques, joined a bunch of groups and classes, and have made some amazing progress. I think maybe it is time I acknowledge the steps I have taken and feel some pride, instead of shame and self-condemnation. I'm going to challenge every negative thought with a truism and fact and do it more often. This is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy technique that works during a panic attack, so I don't see why it can't work here. I hope it does, all I want is to be healed and be a good person inside and out.

Relearning to Relax

Over the course of my battle against Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder, I have lost my ability to relax. I don't mean sleep, which I have trouble doing also, I mean just loosen up and be calm in the now. I feel like I am constantly on edge and my mind is going a mile a minute. I don't think there is ever time where I don't have an intrusive thought. I wonder what it is like to just have nothing going on in your mind,  feel good in the now, and just be? The only place I ever come near it is in the bathtub.
 

I am learning a lot of new techniques to try to regain this lost art. Apparently, relaxing is good for you. Go figure, me who is so scared of health issues is too wound up to do something that is good for her. I have tried meditation, but I can never visualize properly. I end up feeling silly because I can never get to that place that you are supposed to get. That quiet, silent place evades me. I have tried listening to hypnosis apps on my Iphone before sleep, and well, I can't sleep with the constant blabbering. I have tried sound machines to the same effect, it keeps me awake or I get annoyed by the noise.

 Here is what I want to try: aromatherapy, massage, accupuncture, reiki, energy healing, diet, biofeedback, herbalism, zen meditation, breathing techniques, yoga, naturopathic medicine, touch therapy, craniosacral therapy, chiropractic therapy, guided imagery, tai chi, yogic breathing, reflexology, traditional Chinese medicine,  talk therapy, 12 step programs, etc. As you can see, I am really desperate enough to want to try  alternative methods. I guess I am at the point where I am hungry to be a functioning person again.

 So far, I have found a place to learn zen meditation, signed myself up for a mental yoga class, found out about nearby emotions anonymous meetings, and joined some groups on meetup.com.