Letter to an Enemy

Dear Panic Attack,

Thank you for making yourself known in the worst possible way. You went away for 4 days, came back and we were cool, I was able to control you.
BUT TODAY.......

Today you made me go off the deep end and question my sanity. You made me breathe so hard and so fast, I couldn't talk. You made me hysterical to the point of babbling incoherently. You made me fall on the floor in desperation. You made me beg to take my own life and ask for help to do so. You made me want to run to the hospital because I thought I was having a pulmonary embolism. You made me forget all the techniques I was learning. You made me into a blubbering idiot. I fought with my dad and my boyfriend. I almost ruined my relationship because of you, and it is still rocky. You made me think I was having a nervous breakdown and beg to be put on a 3 day psychiatric hold. You made me feel like I lost my grip on life, that I was really dying this time. You made me feel desperate, impotent, wild, savage, and terrified.You take away me, what is essential to me, and turn me into someone else. Someone I do not know. I turn into a monster myself, I am possessed by you. You take control over me and I am powerless against you when you are this bad. Even your enemy Ativan, was no match for today. You are destroying me and everything I hold most dear.

During you I get called selfish because I cannot listen to reason. I am told I do not trust enough to listen. How can I listen when you envelope me in horror?  I become your slave. I get told I am not trying hard enough to fight. How can I fight against you when you become so powerful? I am a mite compared to your massive potential. During you I crave release. I want to go far far away into a place, a void, where you cannot find me. I'm sure you get pleasure making me think of death. I have always been scared of dying, but during you I want to die. I scream for the powers that be to take me and just give me the heart attack I think I am having. People do not understand me when I am having you. I do not understand myself. I morph into a different creature. You ruin all my ways to communicate except only that I need help, I can not talk calmly. I only plead and beg and scream. Because of you, I have had fights, been called terrible names, been hit, been threatened. I think this pleases you and feeds you. You grow bigger and bigger and swallow me whole. I have lost myself. I am no longer what I was 7 years ago, you made sure of that. You have taken over my life, my love, my mind, my heart.

Please, please, I beg of you..go away. Give me peace. Leave for a while, even if it is just a day. Come back if you must, but be weaker. Leave me with something to hold onto. I cannot last with your full strength. It is a battle I cannot win, even though I try. Please let me win once? Let me feel victory. Let me live again. I plead with you to give me a little break. My mind and body can only take so much.