Hard

Lately, my panic attacks have come back in full force with new symptoms that scare me. I literally fear for my life more than ever. Yesterday, I felt as if I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I really thought about voluntarily checking myself in for a mental respite. I am losing my strength to battle against the panic. It takes over and I forget my techniques, I forget my goals, I forget everything. I just feel consumed, enmeshed, covered in it. I do not understand it. When I finally feel secure that I can beat it...........it comes back 10 times as hard with terrible new symptoms. I feel like I am Sisyphus, rolling my boulder up the hill forever. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sisyphus)  I am just going to have to keep trying. Keep going. I must never give up.

Letter to an Enemy

Dear Panic Attack,

Thank you for making yourself known in the worst possible way. You went away for 4 days, came back and we were cool, I was able to control you.
BUT TODAY.......

Today you made me go off the deep end and question my sanity. You made me breathe so hard and so fast, I couldn't talk. You made me hysterical to the point of babbling incoherently. You made me fall on the floor in desperation. You made me beg to take my own life and ask for help to do so. You made me want to run to the hospital because I thought I was having a pulmonary embolism. You made me forget all the techniques I was learning. You made me into a blubbering idiot. I fought with my dad and my boyfriend. I almost ruined my relationship because of you, and it is still rocky. You made me think I was having a nervous breakdown and beg to be put on a 3 day psychiatric hold. You made me feel like I lost my grip on life, that I was really dying this time. You made me feel desperate, impotent, wild, savage, and terrified.You take away me, what is essential to me, and turn me into someone else. Someone I do not know. I turn into a monster myself, I am possessed by you. You take control over me and I am powerless against you when you are this bad. Even your enemy Ativan, was no match for today. You are destroying me and everything I hold most dear.

During you I get called selfish because I cannot listen to reason. I am told I do not trust enough to listen. How can I listen when you envelope me in horror?  I become your slave. I get told I am not trying hard enough to fight. How can I fight against you when you become so powerful? I am a mite compared to your massive potential. During you I crave release. I want to go far far away into a place, a void, where you cannot find me. I'm sure you get pleasure making me think of death. I have always been scared of dying, but during you I want to die. I scream for the powers that be to take me and just give me the heart attack I think I am having. People do not understand me when I am having you. I do not understand myself. I morph into a different creature. You ruin all my ways to communicate except only that I need help, I can not talk calmly. I only plead and beg and scream. Because of you, I have had fights, been called terrible names, been hit, been threatened. I think this pleases you and feeds you. You grow bigger and bigger and swallow me whole. I have lost myself. I am no longer what I was 7 years ago, you made sure of that. You have taken over my life, my love, my mind, my heart.

Please, please, I beg of you..go away. Give me peace. Leave for a while, even if it is just a day. Come back if you must, but be weaker. Leave me with something to hold onto. I cannot last with your full strength. It is a battle I cannot win, even though I try. Please let me win once? Let me feel victory. Let me live again. I plead with you to give me a little break. My mind and body can only take so much.

The Dam Broke

Today was the end of my 4 day long affair with panic free days. I had a panic attack while I was taking a shower. It felt like I couldn't breathe. I just kept going, but it became too much. I had to take an Ativan. I calmed down and I headed on over to the doctor's appointment that I had already scheduled.

Even though I told myself that I wouldn't feel guilty, I do. I just want a break so desperately. I hate my panic attacks and all I dream for is to be free of them for at least a little while. At least it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. So, there is one good thing that came out of it.

practice practice practice

I just had a wave of panic pass over me, not a full on panic attack yet...but the beginnings of one. So, I am about to attempt to try to calm myself with a new technique. This will be an entry over the course of the feelings, so the exercise will repeat itself as things progress.

Situation: I think I am about to have a panic attack.

Feeling: 7
(0 –10)0 = no emotion 10 = most intense emotion

Anxious Thoughts: I am probably going to have a huge panic attack. It is going to be bad. I am scared of the feelings and feeling them.

Realistic Thoughts: I might have a panic attack, it's okay. If it is a big one, I will take my ativan and practice some calm breathing. I will be okay, I have done this many times before.

Feeling after Realistic Thinking: 5
(0-10)

Right now, I am in a thinking trap. I am catastrophizing, over-estimating danger, and fortune telling. I do not know the future. 

Anxious Thoughts: I haven't taken an ativan yet, this could get really bad. I am having chest pain, this might be real this time. If I need help, no one will listen to me or believe me. I have done this too many times.

Realistic Thoughts: I can take an ativan at any time, if I feel it is starting for real. Right now, it is just waves and I can deal with them for now. I had my heart checked recently and it was good. I am going to the doctor later for my asthma, if it still hurts then, I can bring it up. If at any time, I feel out of control or wanting to go to the hospital, I will try some deep breathing first and take my medication. These feelings are most likely related to anxiety. I have had these feelings before, if anything new happens I can let someone know. 

Compassion, Kindness, and Self Love

I firmly believe in the rule that we all should treat others the way we want to be treated. I often feel like I don't treat myself that well. I feel guilty a lot about things I can't control, especially if it comes to my panic attacks or anxiety. This guilt weighs me down, and trust me I already have a lot of  baggage. Am I really being compassionate towards myself? I know I wouldn't tell someone in one of my groups that they should feel guilt or shame about their panic attacks. Why is it okay for me to tell myself that? As I have become more and more involved in my groups on Facebook, I see how negative self talk can really be damaging toward a person. I have to change this about myself. I need to learn to love myself more and accept my shortcomings. If I can accept them in others and look past them, I need to be able to practice what I preach toward my own self.

 My panic attacks have improved over the past couple days and I am not sure why or exactly how. I have gone 3 days without any attack, I have had anxiety though. Not that I am complaining. In the back of my mind, there is the fear that they are going to come back with a vengeance and be a huge attack that will be devastating. That I will feel immense remorse for not having a better grip on myself. If I have one, I will chastise myself for not going longer without one. I know these thoughts are what feeds my beast. I never feel as low as when I have an attack and can't calm down or when I have to take an Ativan. I want to be able to say " You know what, you need to accept that it's okay that you can't always hold back the tide, you are okay. I still love you" to myself. I want to be able to treat myself with the same kindness I so easily give to others. I want that inner peace that others have, and that eludes me. I have to break free.

I have been learning many new techniques, joined a bunch of groups and classes, and have made some amazing progress. I think maybe it is time I acknowledge the steps I have taken and feel some pride, instead of shame and self-condemnation. I'm going to challenge every negative thought with a truism and fact and do it more often. This is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy technique that works during a panic attack, so I don't see why it can't work here. I hope it does, all I want is to be healed and be a good person inside and out.

Relearning to Relax

Over the course of my battle against Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder, I have lost my ability to relax. I don't mean sleep, which I have trouble doing also, I mean just loosen up and be calm in the now. I feel like I am constantly on edge and my mind is going a mile a minute. I don't think there is ever time where I don't have an intrusive thought. I wonder what it is like to just have nothing going on in your mind,  feel good in the now, and just be? The only place I ever come near it is in the bathtub.
 

I am learning a lot of new techniques to try to regain this lost art. Apparently, relaxing is good for you. Go figure, me who is so scared of health issues is too wound up to do something that is good for her. I have tried meditation, but I can never visualize properly. I end up feeling silly because I can never get to that place that you are supposed to get. That quiet, silent place evades me. I have tried listening to hypnosis apps on my Iphone before sleep, and well, I can't sleep with the constant blabbering. I have tried sound machines to the same effect, it keeps me awake or I get annoyed by the noise.

 Here is what I want to try: aromatherapy, massage, accupuncture, reiki, energy healing, diet, biofeedback, herbalism, zen meditation, breathing techniques, yoga, naturopathic medicine, touch therapy, craniosacral therapy, chiropractic therapy, guided imagery, tai chi, yogic breathing, reflexology, traditional Chinese medicine,  talk therapy, 12 step programs, etc. As you can see, I am really desperate enough to want to try  alternative methods. I guess I am at the point where I am hungry to be a functioning person again.

 So far, I have found a place to learn zen meditation, signed myself up for a mental yoga class, found out about nearby emotions anonymous meetings, and joined some groups on meetup.com.

Web MD: The Anxious Person's Bible

  Tonight, I had the weirdest symptoms tonight with my panic attack. I was coughing hard, and suddenly I felt this enormous pressure in my head. Almost as if my brain were about to pop out of my skull through my ears. I felt dizzy and I got very scared. Of course, I had already researched one of the many side effects of the antibiotic I am taking. Doxycycline can cause inter-cranial hypertension, especially in women who are of child-bearing age, overweight, and take hormonal birth control. Hello, I am like their poster child. So, I was terrified that this is what I had. I was about to take a taxi over to the emergency room because I was so frightened.

  But, first...............let's consult Web MD. Ah, Web MD, you are one of the many tools of an anxious person's trade. Weird bodily symptom....better Web MD that crap.

   Does it help? Well, sometimes it does, actually. Today it said I was most likely having a panic attack, a sinus infection, or atrial fibrillation ( which i can rule out with the knowledge that I had two outstanding EKGS done on my heart.) I'm pretty sure my panic attack symptoms have just evolved again, and have added new things to scare me into it's beastly repertoire.

   A lot of the time, however, it is not helpful. Web MD has caused me a lot of worry as well. I feed into my addiction to know all possible outcomes when I use it, and in the end it causes me to worry more. I know I shouldn't go on there, but, like a druggie I come back to it time and again. I have even downloaded and deleted the app to my phone many times. It makes me feel better and also makes me feel worse. It feeds into my anxiety but also creates anxiety. I think Web MD and I need to part ways again, hopefully this time for good.

Feeling Down and Scared

I am still sick with this awful asthmatic bronchitis. I have asked my doctor how long this will last, and he can't give me a straight answer. I have terrible chest tightness and pain underneath my breastbone, bottom of my ribs, and around into my back and neck. My doctor doesn't seem to be concerned, which maybe is a good sign? I have emailed him a lot, and I have a lot of questions I want to ask, but I feel uncomfortable because I know I come across as annoying. His answers have gotten shorter and shorter, I think he is trying to send me a message. I don't know what to do, I feel very uneasy and I am worried that this is something much much worse. I don't seem to be getting any better, I feel stagnant. I don't want to feel this way anymore. The shortness of breath triggers me to panic and there is nothing that can be done about it, apparently. So, I guess I just have to sit and suffer with this...........for who knows how long. I am debating on whether to see a new doctor, but since kaiser has all the medical notes and emails in a computer system, the other doctor can see everything. I'm worried he will become bias toward me too and just write everything off as being anxiety. I have never been sick like this before and I have had anxiety disorders for over 7 years, you think they would believe me when I say this is different than my anxiety? I just feel so down, I can't do anything but lay around the house because I get winded. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Constant Unease

 I am always terrified of having another panic attack. I feel constantly uneasy throughout the day wondering " could this be it? could this be it? " I hate the way they feel and I'm terrified of them. I have read that the key is to surrender to the panic and not fight against it. I have tried this, but when my body and brain are convinced that they are really dying this time...it is hard not to fight. I have a fear that the next panic attack will be the real deal, I'll die, and that will be the end of it. Welcome to the world of panic disorder, where you fear having another panic attack so much you give yourself one. My panic attacks have been happening every night.

I am battling constantly with myself to convince myself that I am okay.

My heart has been recently checked with an EKG, I monitor my asthma and my peak flow is great, and I see the doctor often. Somehow, I am still convinced I have something undiagnosed, or it is worse than doctors let on. How do I learn to trust the doctors and shut my brain up? Right now, I am dealing with asthmatic bronchitis, and I have almost convinced myself I have pneumonia. This hasn't been shown to be the case, but my chest feels tight all the time.........therefore pneumonia. I'm convinced I'm not getting better. This is awful. I hate feeling this way. Now, I'm fighting with myself to not go to see my doctor and get rechecked. I know he is annoyed with me. I have emailed him a lot, and his last response was very off putting. I have a peculiar idea in my head that hospitals = safety. During a panic attack, I usually want to go. But, I also have issues believing what those doctors say and taking their medication. I really want to go to get checked out and have a complete body work up..every system checked out, blood tests, heart tests, pulmonary tests, the whole shebang.....but, will I believe the results? Will I be satisfied then?

I'm Having a Panic Attack

 I use this blog a lot to help myself out when I am feeling incredibly anxious or having a huge panic attack, which is why there are so many entries. I have a panic attack every day. It calms me down to write and keeps me focused on not feeling like I am dying. In the spirit of self help and discovery....... I am going to try a cognitive behavioral therapy technique and see how it works.

This is an exercise called: Realistic thinking
 This means looking at all aspects of a situation (the positive, the negative, and the neutral) before making conclusions. In other words, realistic thinking means looking at yourself, others, and the world in a balanced and fair way.

What am I thinking right now? I am thinking that I hope it doesn't get any worse than it is right now.

What is making me feel anxious? I am having a panic attack.

What am I worried will happen? That it will get worse and no one will help me and I will die right here.

What bad thing do I expect to happen? I am afraid I might really be dying this time, ask for help, and no one will believe me.


1.Am I falling into a thinking trap?(e.g.,catastrophizing or overestimating danger) both

2.What is the evidence that this thought is true? What is the evidence that this thought is not true? My symptoms are evidence that it is true, but I have panic attacks every night and haven't died yet.

3.Have I confused a thought with a fact? Yes
 
4.What would I tell a friend if he/she had the same thought? We have been through this before,
you are going to be okay.

5.What would a friend say about my thought? You are calming down and you are safe.

6.Am I 100% sure that ___________will happen? No

7.How many times has __________happened before? Never

8.Is __________so important that my future depends on it? Well, if I died I wouldn't have much of a future.

9.What is the worst that could happen? Dying

10.If it did happen, what can I do to cope with or handle it? I'd be dead, so why would I care?

11.Is my judgment based on the way I feel instead of facts? Feelings

12.Am I confusing “possibility” with “certainty”? It may be possible, but is it likely? Yes,it is a possibility. It could happen, but it hasn't happened yet. My heart has been checked out and it is fine. I am great on my peak flow meter for asthma lung capacity.

13.Is this a hassle or a horror? It is both, feeling this way is a hassle and it it a horror to feel that I am dying every night.

Well, I think the panic attack is over, mostly due to my taking ativan. I don't know how much this helped, but it definitely made me see how nutty my thoughts get during one. I am going to keep trying out new techniques. Maybe doing this can help one of my readers out at least. I am happy I made it through and hopefully it is over for tonight. 

Fear: The Monster That Lives Inside of Me

 I keep reading quotes that say " Replace the fear of the unknown with curiosity." Well, that might work for a lot of people, but for me it just makes me even more anxious. I hate not knowing. It makes me feel scared and impotent. I have it in my mind that if I know everything, I will always be prepared. This attitude,obviously, has not helped me in the long run.

 I have a huge list of fears, most of which are probably not normal fears for the average person. I have been scared of living life for a very long time. Mostly because I am afraid of what life will do to me. I always feel that I need to be on guard for anything that could possibly come my way. Thinking back, a lot of it probably has to do with my childhood and it being very unpredictable. I had a sick mother and life was always up and down for me. Now, I feel an overwhelming need to have control over things in my life and be informed about everything that could go wrong and avoid it if at all possible. Fear has taken over my life. How can you go about your daily routine if you are constantly bombarded with fears of  food allergies, medications, dying, having panic attacks, side effects, losing your friends and family, doing something wrong, being alone, dying and finding out there is nothing out there, having an undiagnosed illness which is probably horrible, being embarrassed because of my mental illness, being trapped, losing my father, not pleasing my family, not making anything of myself, not ever conquering this stupid, stupid illness, losing my passion, not having children, never getting married, driving, never graduating college, and more that I can't even think of at this time. Besides the panic attacks my disorder gives me, I give them to myself too. I'm very helpful.

 This has brought me to a new phase in my life where I am determined to regain some normalcy. Yes, I have said and done this in the past, but it never has stuck with me for long. I want to conquer my anxiety disorders and live a normal life. I'm so desperately tired of worrying, having panic attacks, and being afraid. I am not happy anymore and I haven't been for a very long time. I am grasping at anything that might offer me this sense of peace. I do not expect it to be a miraculous change, or even a permanent one. I know that what I have is going to be with me for life, but I need to learn how to better control it. I have seen things online that offer a CURE FOR PANIC AND ANXIETY and I am almost tempted to believe in it and invest. Then, my rationality kicks in and I know there is no fast super cure, but a lot of self work and learning new techniques.

 I think back to the times when I was panic attack free and I wonder what did I do different then, as opposed to what am I doing now? The answer is nothing, absolutely nothing. I just had a higher dose of medication and did some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a doctor that scared me when he talked about exposure to my panic symptoms. I stopped going to see him because I was so frightened. I am now ready to try it again. A nurse on the behavioral help line that I called in desperation during  a huge panic attack, reminded me that it would be with a new person and I am a different person than I was then. It is true, I now feel like I am ready to do anything to help myself, besides taking new medication ( still scared about that one, some things don't ever change.)

I want to let go and not care so much about everything. I don't even know where to start because the fear of failing is overwhelming. I feel scared about not having any success, but I know I don't want to be like this forever. I already feel so very crippled by my anxiety and panic everyday, I just want to learn how to release it all back into the universe. I want to be free.Now the work comes and I'm so scared.

Stigma and Breaking the Silence

stig·ma

ˈstigmə/

noun

noun: stigma; plural noun: stigmata; plural noun: stigmas

1.

a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.

  It is hard for most people to feel compassion for or understand someone with an invisible illness. Mental illness can range from anxiety disorders, mood disorders, psychosis, eating disorders, impulse control disorders, personality disorders, etc. There are many different types, some more visible than others. Mental illness has a huge stigma in this country and throughout the world. Having a mental illness can be seen as a character flaw, a moral failing, a failing of the person's parents, laziness, attention seeking behavior, a punishment from a higher power, possession, etc. A lot of individuals are afraid to say they have a mental illness because they fear the reactions of the friends, family, or society at large.

  Most of the time, people do not know you have a mental illness unless you tell them. Then, once you work up the courage to tell, you get reactions varying between " Oh my god, I am so sorry!", "My so and so friend from blahblah felt anxious/crazy/depressed/whatever a lot and it was no big deal.", "You? No way!", "No wonder you are so ( insert adjective here) all the time", "You just need to relax and calm down.", " Please don't tell me, I can't deal with you.", " You know, my Grandpa Rick was schizophrenic and he killed himself.", " I don't want you near me or my children.",  "Will this affect your job performance?", " Are you going to hurt or kill yourself?!", "Does this run in your family? Can you give it to your kids?", "You are taking medication? Don't you know what that can do? Why aren't you treating it naturally?!", "Stop doing that! Control yourself!", " Stop going to the doctor all the time, it's all in your head!", " You aren't better yet?!", " Just snap out of it!", " But, everything is going so well for you."... with all these reactions it is no wonder that someone wouldn't want to talk about about their issues.

   This causes there to be shame and secrecy. There is shame in having a mental illness and needing help to control it and feeling that you must hide the fact from people. There is also shame in seeking help at all. So, you sit at home with your problems and that turns into bigger problems. You might isolate yourself from family, friends, and community. You might even refuse to get any sort of assistance at all and try to deal with it on your own.

  Stigma from friends and family often rears it's ugly head.  You might be afraid to tell your family because they might not understand what is going on, especially if they are older or from a different culture. Nobody wants to feel like the black sheep. If you do tell anyone, you fear hearing the stereotype that you can't change or refuse to and you are going to be like this forever. You will become The Old Crazy Lady/Man that lives with a million cats and doesn't have a job and mooches from public assistance. Some people might fear that you will become a criminal or violent and use your mental illness as an excuse. You might be accused of being lazy, attention seeking, pathetic, hard to talk to, sad, leaching, lying, etc. You might even be told that you can stop it if you want to, you aren't trying hard enough. You fear being ostracized, blamed, and made fun of.

  Stigma in society might find you in some of these ways: applying for disability and being denied, not having access to proper medical care that normal people have, a lack of funding for mental health awareness and treatment, doctors who try to discount your experience and not wanting to deal with you, media viewing mental illness as something comedic, not being allowed to participate in certain activities, losing your job/ not getting picked for a promotion/ not getting a job at all, not being able to get housing, being avoided, etc.

   Stigma comes from a lack of education and silence. I want you to know... It is okay to have a mental illness. It is okay to need and to seek help. It is okay to take medication. It is okay to feel the way you feel. It is not your fault and never was. As a person, you have the right to proper medical care, caring friends and family, compassionate doctors, fair employment, disability money, inclusion in groups and activities, fair portrayal in media sources, adequate mental health treatment, housing, respect, and dignity. Come out and tell people what is going on. Do not hide behind your fear, use it. Educate others and you might find that you can change the reaction you receive.

  For friends and family, learn about mental illness, research the diagnosis, support the person, help the person plan for treatment or intervention, be proud for any improvement, do not chastise or blame yourself or the person, be encouraging, don't label or judge, don't discriminate, be understanding about treatment goals and time, control your temper and understand that it is not always the person but a symptom of their disorder, congratulate the person for being brave enough to seek help and confiding in you, talk openly about mental illness with others, do not be embarrassed to have a mentally ill friend or family member, and always follow the golden rule.. treat others the way you want to be treated...who knows you might one day be in their shoes.

Medications, Anxiety, and Doctor Problems

Annoyed!!!!!!!!!

 So, as I explained, one of my major anxieties is about taking new medications and having an uncontrollable urge to look up all the possible side effects for any given medication. Through a lot of trial, error, and plain old pushing myself, I have been able to take medications if I need them, though not without much consternation. Anyway, I have been battling asthma and chronic sinusitis since I was a child. Recently, after a horrible cold, I developed bronchitis with acute asthma exacerbation.  What does this mean? Well, in the simplest terms it means I can't breathe the way I should be and I have been sick for over a month. Now, I see an allergist who also moonlights in asthma therapy. He put me on this steroid inhaler at the highest dosage allowed ( I used to take this a long, long, time ago at a much smaller dose and never had issues. ) He also prescribed an antibiotic called Doxycycline, along with taking my rescue inhaler as needed. You should know that my rescue inhaler is not well tolerated by my system, and has given me many a panic attack even at only 1 puff . I just recently got this doctor to agree with me that this inhaler, Albuterol, causes anxiety in some people!  I digress. I have been taking this steroid inhaler and lo and behold, 30 minutes after I had a huge, monster panic attack. My logical conclusion was, it has to be the inhaler, the dose must be too high for me to tolerate. There must be a connection. I took it again at the same dose the following night, and wham, it happened again. The antibiotics also make me incredibly dizzy, nauseous, anxious, and I just feel weird.

   So, I did what any normal person would do. I contacted my doctor and told him flat out, "I think this inhaler is too strong for me at this high of a dose and the antibiotics are making me feel terribly ill. Please can you switch me to an antibiotic that I tolerate better. I can't deal with this for 10 days. What can we do?" He was not too sympathetic and responded " Well, keep taking the antibiotics they are fine for you and remember it is not the inhaler medicine or the pills that is causing the panic attacks, it's you.You will need to work that out in therapy. Space out your puffs if you want to. " Through my research, ( you know I had to!) I found out that steroid inhalers can cause panic attacks and so too can the antibiotics. Now, I'm stuck spreading the doses of the inhaler out to 2 puffs every 4 hours and taking the dreaded antibiotic and puking my guts up. Being totally rebuffed when all a doctor has to do is read a little is very disheartening. I am aware I have issues, but, I am also aware when there is a direct correlation. By the way, spacing out the puffs has not helped. I'm considering just getting a new asthma doctor, but that brings me to another dilemma.

  I have an issue with some doctors and let me tell you, with an anxiety disorder as bad as I have it, I have seen a lot. There is a huge bias with doctors toward people with anxiety and panic disorders. If for example, you get desperate enough to go to the emergency room for a panic attack, you might be met with a lot incredulous looks, a lot of " Calm Downs", and you might feel that you were stupid for even showing up. This has been my experience a lot of the time, that I'm not welcome there because my emergency doesn't count. They give you an Ativan, leave you alone for a couple hours, and come back and say " That wasn't so bad, see you didn't die." As if saying that is reassuring to anyone and is not condescending. I have had positive experiences don't get me wrong, but most have left me feeling terribly guilty for wasting their time. Hell, I felt like I was dying and I came to you guys for help!! I can't always tell and isn't the adage " Better safe than sorry?" Another, more recent example, is when I went to urgent care this month when I first suspected I had something more than just a cold. I was explaining to the doctor that all this coughing and shortness of breath made me feel anxious and was triggering for me. He actually told me " Well, why are you doing that? Don't be anxious! Simple as that!" HUH? EXCUSE ME? DID THAT JUST COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?! I felt so insulted I actually corrected him and told him that saying that to someone with an anxiety disorder is like chastising a diabetic for a blood sugar rise. It is the nature of the beast. Trust me, if I could stop it, I would. Believe me! I'm coming to you for help, not your half-assed attempt at schooling me disguised as bad humor.

  I don't want to be made to feel that my anxiety is just something I can will away, something I must be doing wrong, and then have any medical problem chalked up to my "issues that need dealing with in therapy." Why is it okay for me to have medication induced panic attacks and then be ignored when I ask for simple doctoring? I have enough of them on my own without any help. Why is it perfectly fine for me to be discounted?  If a regular person complained about a medication and asked for advice, the doctor would at least hear them out. But, because I have anxiety, it is written off, as if I can't tell what is happening in my own body and it's just my own little problem in my head. I also feel that a lot of doctors do not know that many common medications do cause anxiety. Pharmacists do not know this either, because if you ask what are the side effects for Doxycycline, for example, they will tell you nausea and diarrhea, when anxiety is one of the top most reported ones! So, I wonder, do I continue being my own personal whistle blower if I keep getting shot down? Sometimes doctors act like they are so high and mighty, when they are only "practicing" medicine.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder A.K.A Worry-Wart-Itis

 For as long as I can remember, I've always been a worrier. I grew up with a mother who had Multiple Sclerosis. When I was about 8, she stopped being able to walk. I had to grow up very fast and assume more adult responsibilities. When I was really little, I would worry about ghosts, things happening at night, robbers, if my mom and dad really loved me, if people were mad at me. As I grew up into an adolescent, I added worrying about my weight, about having a boyfriend, about doing well in school, not having many friends, and feeling like an outcast.  Tie all this in with the constant worrying about if my mom was okay, the stress of her being in and out of the hospital, being bullied at school, being physically/verbally abused at home by a relative, the guilt I felt over not being as good of a daughter as I could have, pressure to succeed, not having anyone to relate to.................it is no wonder I developed mental illnesses when I grew up.

   I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in conjunction with Panic Disorder. I always knew something was wrong with my worrying, but never had a name to put to it. I am not able to stop the constant stream of WHAT IF? thoughts flowing through my head. I worry about the most mundane things as well. I have a problem with the unknown, and I will worry about the future until the answers reveal themselves. I also have developed phobias due to this constant worrying and avoiding the anxiety that comes along with it. Hi, my name is AnxietyGal and I have a problem.

   I have an entire list of things I distress about on any given day, most of which are really ridiculous.
I agonize over medication side effects to the point that I avoid taking new medications if at all possible, I worry about dying a lot from an undiagnosed disease, I worry about brain aneurysms, deep vein thrombosis, and pulmonary embolisms, I worry my boyfriend won't love me anymore, I worry that I will drive my friends and boyfriend away, I worry that I am nuttier than previously thought, I worry about not having any money, I worry about having allergic reactions to food so I avoid certain foods that I think have caused them in the past, I worry about my throat closing up, I worry about my heart giving out from all the adrenaline rushing through me during a panic attack, I often think about no one believing me when something really bad is happening to me, I worry about dying alone, I worry about not pleasing my dad, I worry if people are mad at me, I worry that I am being punished for something I did in the past and this is why I have the cards I was dealt..........................and on and on and on. The anxiety about health and medications are probably the worst ones I deal with. I'm not allowed on WebMD anymore.

  My mind is like a broken record, it never shuts up unless I am asleep. I am pretty good at dulling it out though, I just have to keep busy. However, it's hard to keep busy 24/7. During those quiet moments with nothing to do, my brain starts up its chatter. I can worry myself into a panic attack quite easily.

How I have evolved.

It is hard being a worry-wart.

How to Help Someone With a Panic Disorder

 Most people in the world do not have an anxiety disorder. They have no frame of reference when it comes to how to deal with a friend, parent, spouse, partner, offspring that has a bona fide mental disorder. The general population only knows about mental illness from what they see in media, what they were told and what they were modeled as children, and their own personal/cultural beliefs.

   For example, let's discuss my father. He is 73, born and raised in the former Soviet Union. He did not come to the U.S until the late 70's. In his day, mental illness was not an acceptable diagnosis to have ( in fact it wasn't a diagnosis), and if you had one you were either considered the village idiot that people avoided, a hysterical woman, someone who was weak, touched by an unseen force, or just plain old sick and nutzo. You could expect to be locked away in an asylum if you were an embarrassment to your family, told to suck it up if you were still living with them, cast out on your own, beaten by your spouse, or avoided by the community. There was no mental health system, no help of any kind. Everyone was anxious about something, you weren't any more special because your anxiety was out of control. You were crazy and you needed to be able to control yourself, and that was that. This is called a bootstrap mentality. Suck it up and don't let it spill out.....EVER! In the present time, my dad understands there are mental illnesses, like schizophrenia. He only has references for the major ones. Panic disorder and anxiety disorder don't even register on his list. He thinks it is a problem with being scared, weak, and a character flaw. It should and can be gotten over. It better be done fast too. He can learn to be better about it, but because it has been so culturally ingrained, it may not ever be overcome fully. But, he is trying. That's all I can ask.

my dad's reaction

   You can educate yourself now ( before it is too late ) and try to react better toward the individuals you know with these illnesses. Be compassionate, this will help lessen the stigma that follows people like me around everyday.

   In order to help, first you must accept that it is in fact a real mental illness as stated in the DSM-5. There are certain criteria that must be met in order to be diagnosed. This diagnosis is not a character flaw or a moral failing. It is a defect in some areas in the brain that process fear and anxiety. This person's fight-or-flight response is all off and reacts during times where there is no outside danger. The person feels a certain symptom in their body out of nowhere or in a stressful situation, tunes in, and blammo the adrenaline goes crazy..in simple terms. Most of the time, this tuning in cannot be helped. People with anxiety disorders are hyper vigilant.

 

  Get yourself familiar with the symptoms of a panic attack. Your friendly, panicky person may have these symptoms: feeling like their heart is racing, intense heat, sweating, dizziness or lightheaded, a weight on their chest, a blockage in their throat, like their throat is closing up, not being able to swallow, they might have electrical sensations up and down their body, they are going to go out of control, they might have numbness in their extremities/tongue/lips, feeling short of breath, choking or gasping, heart palpitations, an intense feeling of dread, feeling like they might be having a heart attack or a brain aneurysm, they might get extremely shaky especially in their legs, they might have to vomit or have to use the bathroom urgently, hyperventilation, feeling like they are dying, wanting to run, wanting to get help immediately, feeling like they are moving a mile a minute, intense crying, anger, irritability, feelings of being trapped, etc. Basically, a panicked person feels like they are going to die and something extremely horrible is happening to them. They feel desperate and extremely frightened. This fear is more than just a regular fear, it is abject terror that is out of control.

  Now that you understand the symptoms you can learn what not to do during a panic attack. These things will definitely not help.

1. DO NOT EVER SAY "CALM DOWN". IF THIS PERSON COULD CALM DOWN THEY WOULD.
2. DO NOT FREAK OUT ALONG WITH THEM. THIS PERSON WANTS YOUR HELP AND TWO SCARED PEOPLE DOES NOT A HELPFUL SITUATION MAKE.
3. DO NOT TELL THEM TO "STOP IT, TO SUCK IT UP,  GET A GRIP, QUIT BEING HYSTERICAL, LOOK AT YOURSELF, YOU ARE EMBARRASSING, ETC." THIS DOES NOT HELP. THIS MAKES THE PERSON FEEL GUILTY.
4. DO NOT ASK THEM WHY THEY ARE PANICKING. MOST OF THE TIME THERE IS NO REASON THEY CAN THINK OF AT THE TIME.
5. DO NOT SAY "THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF." IN THEIR MIND AND BODY THERE IS A LEGITIMATE FEAR. IT IS NOT A REAL FEAR, BUT IT IS REAL TO THEM AT THAT MOMENT.
6. DO NOT DISCOUNT THEIR FEELINGS OR SYMPTOMS. AS I SAID, THESE THINGS ARE REALLY HAPPENING TO THEM. THE SYMPTOMS ARE REAL.
7. DO NOT YELL AT THEM. THIS MAKES THEM EVEN MORE ANXIOUS. IT MAY EVEN MAKE THEM CRY, EXACERBATING THEIR BREATHING ISSUES.
8. DO NOT BLAME THEM. THEY CANNOT CONTROL WHAT IS HAPPENING.
9. DO NOT LEAVE THEM ALONE UNLESS THEY ASK YOU TO. SOMETIMES ALL THEY WANT IS REASSURANCE. FEELING ISOLATED IN THE MIDDLE OF FEELING LIKE YOU ARE DYING IS ONE OF THE WORST THINGS.
10. DON'T EXPECT THEM TO BE CURED IMMEDIATELY, THESE THINGS ARE NOT THAT EASY. MOST LIKELY, THIS PERSON WILL HAVE TIMES OF REMISSION, TIMES OF INTENSE PANIC, TIMES OF LESS ANXIETY. THIS DISORDER IS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER. DON'T GIVE UP ON THEM. THEY ARE TRYING THEIR BEST. MOST OF THESE PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT.
11. DO NOT GIVE THEM A GUILT TRIP. YES, IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN. IT WILL PROBABLY KEEP HAPPENING FOR A LONG WHILE. DO NOT MAKE THEM FEEL SHAME FOR WHAT THEY CAN'T ALWAYS CONTROL.THEY DIDN'T MEAN TO RUIN ANYTHING FOR YOU. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
12. DO NOT EVER BE ANGRY AT THEM. BEING ANGRY AT SOMEONE FOR A PANIC ATTACK IS LIKE BEING ANGRY AT A STABBING VICTIM WHO IS BLEEDING. THEY CANNOT HELP IT!
13. DO NOT SAY "IT'S JUST A PANIC ATTACK, IT'S NOT SO BAD, STOP IT".........THEY CANNOT STOP IT AND IT IS BAD FOR THEM.

Here are some DO'S:
1. DO TALK TO THEM. MOST OF THE TIME THEY WANT TO BE REASSURED THAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE OKAY.
2. DO ASK THEM WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP THEM OUT. ASK THEM IF THEY TOOK THEIR MEDICINE IF THEY HAVE ANY, OR IF YOU CAN GET IT FOR THEM. OFFER WATER. HUGS. WHATEVER SEEMS COMFORTING. ACCEPT IT IF THEY WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE AS WELL.
3. DO SPEND TIME WITH THEM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. YOUR PANICKY PERSON MIGHT FEEL GUILTY, DEPRESSED, ASHAMED, OR ISOLATED. TRY TO BE THERE FOR THEM AND MAKE THEM FEEL WELCOME.
4. DO MAKE A POINT TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS PERSON MIGHT NOT WANT TO OR BE ABLE TO JOIN IN ALL ACTIVITIES. THIS IS HOW THE DISORDER IS AFFECTING THEM RIGHT NOW.
5. HELP THEM TO CALM DOWN. OFFER WAYS TO RELAX. EVEN JUST BE CLOSE TO THAT PERSON IS HELPFUL.
6. BELIEVE THE PERSON WHEN THEY SAY HOW THEY ARE FEELING. DO NOT DISCOUNT THEM, EVEN IF YOU KNOW IT ISN'T TRUE. REMEMBER IT IS REAL TO THEM. OFFER REASSURANCE THAT THE WORST NOT HAPPENING, AND REMEMBER THE SYMPTOMS ARE REAL THE FEAR IS NOT.
7. LEARN TO FORGIVE. SOMETIMES A PERSON'S ANXIETY MAY EFFECT YOUR LIFE. TRY TO REALIZE THAT IT IS NOT ON PURPOSE.
8. BE PROUD OF THEM IF THEY ARE IMPROVING. TAKE NOTICE.
9. TRY TO TALK THEM THROUGH AN ATTACK. USE A CALM VOICE AND REASSURE THEM THAT THEY ARE SAFE AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. OFTEN TIMES, THEY ARE AFRAID THAT YOU WON 'T BE ABLE TO TELL IF IT REALLY IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM THAT NEEDS ATTENTION. REASSURE THAT YOU WILL CALL FOR HELP IF ANYTHING CHANGES THAT IS OUT OF THE ORDINARY FOR THEIR PANIC ATTACKS. FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF WITH THE PERSON'S PANIC ATTACK SYMPTOMS SO YOU CAN TELL WHEN SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG.
10. DO OFFER TO HELP THEM DO ACTIVITIES THAT CAN TAKE THEIR MIND OFF OF THE PANIC. HELP THEM BREATHE AND CONTROL THEIR BREATHS.
11. OFFER A WAY TO ESCAPE, EVEN JUST A WALK OUTSIDE. TRY TO LET THE PERSON KNOW THEY ARE NOT TRAPPED.
12. WAIT IT OUT WITH THEM. ACKNOWLEDGE WHEN IT SEEMS THEY ARE CALMING DOWN AND CHECK IN WITH THEM. ASK HOW THEY ARE FEELING.
13.REMIND THE PERSON THAT THEY HAVE HAD THESE BEFORE AND GOT THROUGH THEM. THEY CAN DO IT AGAIN.
14. DO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THEY MADE IT THROUGH, THAT THEY DID IT, AND THEY ARE OKAY.

 Remember, be patient, be kind, be gentle, be friendly, and be there.