Fear: The Monster That Lives Inside of Me

 I keep reading quotes that say " Replace the fear of the unknown with curiosity." Well, that might work for a lot of people, but for me it just makes me even more anxious. I hate not knowing. It makes me feel scared and impotent. I have it in my mind that if I know everything, I will always be prepared. This attitude,obviously, has not helped me in the long run.

 I have a huge list of fears, most of which are probably not normal fears for the average person. I have been scared of living life for a very long time. Mostly because I am afraid of what life will do to me. I always feel that I need to be on guard for anything that could possibly come my way. Thinking back, a lot of it probably has to do with my childhood and it being very unpredictable. I had a sick mother and life was always up and down for me. Now, I feel an overwhelming need to have control over things in my life and be informed about everything that could go wrong and avoid it if at all possible. Fear has taken over my life. How can you go about your daily routine if you are constantly bombarded with fears of  food allergies, medications, dying, having panic attacks, side effects, losing your friends and family, doing something wrong, being alone, dying and finding out there is nothing out there, having an undiagnosed illness which is probably horrible, being embarrassed because of my mental illness, being trapped, losing my father, not pleasing my family, not making anything of myself, not ever conquering this stupid, stupid illness, losing my passion, not having children, never getting married, driving, never graduating college, and more that I can't even think of at this time. Besides the panic attacks my disorder gives me, I give them to myself too. I'm very helpful.

 This has brought me to a new phase in my life where I am determined to regain some normalcy. Yes, I have said and done this in the past, but it never has stuck with me for long. I want to conquer my anxiety disorders and live a normal life. I'm so desperately tired of worrying, having panic attacks, and being afraid. I am not happy anymore and I haven't been for a very long time. I am grasping at anything that might offer me this sense of peace. I do not expect it to be a miraculous change, or even a permanent one. I know that what I have is going to be with me for life, but I need to learn how to better control it. I have seen things online that offer a CURE FOR PANIC AND ANXIETY and I am almost tempted to believe in it and invest. Then, my rationality kicks in and I know there is no fast super cure, but a lot of self work and learning new techniques.

 I think back to the times when I was panic attack free and I wonder what did I do different then, as opposed to what am I doing now? The answer is nothing, absolutely nothing. I just had a higher dose of medication and did some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a doctor that scared me when he talked about exposure to my panic symptoms. I stopped going to see him because I was so frightened. I am now ready to try it again. A nurse on the behavioral help line that I called in desperation during  a huge panic attack, reminded me that it would be with a new person and I am a different person than I was then. It is true, I now feel like I am ready to do anything to help myself, besides taking new medication ( still scared about that one, some things don't ever change.)

I want to let go and not care so much about everything. I don't even know where to start because the fear of failing is overwhelming. I feel scared about not having any success, but I know I don't want to be like this forever. I already feel so very crippled by my anxiety and panic everyday, I just want to learn how to release it all back into the universe. I want to be free.Now the work comes and I'm so scared.