Constant Unease

 I am always terrified of having another panic attack. I feel constantly uneasy throughout the day wondering " could this be it? could this be it? " I hate the way they feel and I'm terrified of them. I have read that the key is to surrender to the panic and not fight against it. I have tried this, but when my body and brain are convinced that they are really dying this time...it is hard not to fight. I have a fear that the next panic attack will be the real deal, I'll die, and that will be the end of it. Welcome to the world of panic disorder, where you fear having another panic attack so much you give yourself one. My panic attacks have been happening every night.

I am battling constantly with myself to convince myself that I am okay.

My heart has been recently checked with an EKG, I monitor my asthma and my peak flow is great, and I see the doctor often. Somehow, I am still convinced I have something undiagnosed, or it is worse than doctors let on. How do I learn to trust the doctors and shut my brain up? Right now, I am dealing with asthmatic bronchitis, and I have almost convinced myself I have pneumonia. This hasn't been shown to be the case, but my chest feels tight all the time.........therefore pneumonia. I'm convinced I'm not getting better. This is awful. I hate feeling this way. Now, I'm fighting with myself to not go to see my doctor and get rechecked. I know he is annoyed with me. I have emailed him a lot, and his last response was very off putting. I have a peculiar idea in my head that hospitals = safety. During a panic attack, I usually want to go. But, I also have issues believing what those doctors say and taking their medication. I really want to go to get checked out and have a complete body work up..every system checked out, blood tests, heart tests, pulmonary tests, the whole shebang.....but, will I believe the results? Will I be satisfied then?